Mother jokes (1036 to 1050)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 1036 to 1050. |
Funny jokes-Strange name
Naomi explained, "Well, my baby was born prematurely and had to stay in the special nursery. She was very sick and they were not sure if she would survive. I couldn't decide what name to give her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew what they had named my baby."
Silly Collection 14
I want a hair cut please.
Certainly, which one!
Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face?
No, I look in a towel!
Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her daddy was a mummy!
It's time for your violin lesson.
Oh, Fiddle!
How old is your granddad?
I don't know but we've had him a long time!
What pet makes the loudest noise?
A trum-pet!
What is a tornado?
Mother nature doing the twist!
A police recruit was asked dur...
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if youhad to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."
Hilarious jokes-The considerate Sergeant
Private Thompson broke down on hearing the news and passed out.
Sergeant Wilson, who witnessed the little incident, said to Sergeant Davis, "Had you broken the news to him softly, he wouldn't have been so upset."
After a few months, Sergeant Davis was running another drill, when he received a letter again, stating that Private Thompson's father had expired. Sergeant Davis, determined to be more considerate this time, shouted, "Everyone whose father is still alive, take one step forward."
They did as told.
Then Sergeant Davis shouted, "PRIVATE THOMPSON...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
The boy and the bible...
A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"
Foreign Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Hollywood divorces
It is customary in Hollywood to get married early in the morning. It helps in the sense if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
The most difficult thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the news of the divorce leaks out.
A Hollywood kid felt very proud. The reason - at the last Parent-Teachers meeting, she was given a prize for having the most parents there.
One Hollywood actress is known to be very sentimental: she is very particular about always getting divorced in the dress her mother was married in.
Three moms
Three moms, a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde, get together one afternoon.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
Redneck quickies 27
You might be a rednack if...Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.
You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
You are driving the car you were conceived in.
You've ever used scissors on food.
Sunday school....
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "thou shall not kill."
Half sisters
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
What does the cow say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'
Kick the habit
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
First Date
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Out of the Mouths of Babes...
An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"
