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Short jokes - funny one liners (11721 to 11760)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 11721 to 11760. |
A man looking for love sent hi...
A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”
#joke #short
Christmas is a source of renew...
Christmas is a source of renewable energy, aka winter buyins'.#joke #short #christmas
Lisa Lampanelli: Sexual History
I dated one guy from every race. You know, except the Asian guys, cause nobody wants that. Cmon, Im trying to have an orgasm, not get my computer fixed.#joke #short
A man knows that shopping with...
A man knows that shopping with his girlfriend and her friends can be slow as mall lasses.#joke #short
Moshe Kasher: The Doors Were a S**t Band
Dont you think that Jim Morrison was probably the worst person you could ever meet at a party, ever? Just some plunging-necklined, leather-panted jackass, like, Let me tell you about my experiences on mescaline in the desert. Scurry back to Burning Man with your statutory rape tales, no one cares.#joke #short
A teacher sees a lad entering ...
A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
#joke #short
For political scientists, the ...
For political scientists, the upcoming Canadian election is a process of Harpeer Review.#joke #short
Hear about the cannibal at the...
Hear about the cannibal at the farm who wanted to eat his boss, but really had to pee?#joke #short
"To the vice president�...
"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." -- Bill MaherReturning to West Point late o...
Returning to West Point late one night, Colonel Schultz and his wife were challenged by the sentry at the gate.“Halt and identify yourself!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” declared the startled woman.
The sentry stepped aside. “Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized.”
#joke #short
NED: So, I wa...
NED: So, I was a guest at a Jewish circumcision.ED: Really.
NED: The hosts actually charged admission to watch, and made us line up outside!
ED: Really.
NED: I couldn't believe their nerve—such queue bris!
#joke #short
Marina Franklin: I Like the Little Ones
I have a younger boyfriend now -- I like the little ones. Yes, I do like those little ones, yes I do. I am officially a cougar. Hes young and white, so Im not just a cougar, Im a black panther.#joke #short
A mad baker came at me with a ...
A mad baker came at me with a ryeful, a 12-grain shotgun with pumpernickel action! He look at me with such loaving, and said “You're a gluten for punishment.” I never shoulda crust the guy. I barley survived the encounter, and there were no wheatnesses.#joke #short
Did you ever notice?
When ...
Did you ever notice?When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?
#joke #short
If the Blarney Stone were a ma...
If the Blarney Stone were a man, would kissing it make me Gaelic?#joke #short
Maria Bamford: Anxiety Song
This is my anxiety song: If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die/as long as I clench my fists at odd intervals, then the darkness within me wont force me to do anything inappropriately violent or sexual at dinner parties/as long as I keep humming the tune, I wont turn gay.Christmas sign of the times....
As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
#joke #short #christmas
Gum is great!...
Gum is great! I chews to follow the mastical sciences, and worship Jawhovah. I attend Sunday masseter, biting my time for eternal Salivation.#joke #short
Yo Mama Is So Hairy
Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
#joke #short #yomama
Pee in the pool....
Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.
"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana."
#joke #short
Jack Whitehall: Looking Down on Us
If my dad could see me up here now hed be very impressed. But you know, Im sure wherever my dad is now, he would be looking down on us. Hes not dead just very condescending.#joke #short
Marine Biology
Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible.""If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
The man who performed his firs...
The man who performed his first prostate exam on an Irishman felt deeply a Seamus.#joke #short
Hari Kondabolu: Environment Issue Magazine
I was on a plane recently; I was reading the in-flight magazine. The in-flight magazine for that particular trip was an environmental issue. I was reading about the environment while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.#joke #short
A man gets captured by canniba...
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
The nightclubbing lifestyle is...
The nightclubbing lifestyle is so incredible, it involves a suspension of disco ball ief.#joke #short
Fighting Back...
HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.
#joke #short
Al Jackson: Bacardi 151
I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didnt even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t. Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.#joke #short
"Isn't politics just...
"Isn't politics just horrible these days? People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions of dollars on plastic surgery. Shes so good looking now that her husband hit on her by accident last night."--Dave Letterman
#joke #short
