Short jokes - funny one liners (201 to 240)

Mr. Aging

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.
"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…

I've always wanted to start a company called...

Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"

Panda Thief

Why did the panda steal my socks?
Because he had bear feet!

What Do You Have?

Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"
Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"

Two Mongooses

A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses.
Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Why Are They So Strong?

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest of the days are weekdays.

Tell Her Instead

A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick.
Impressed, I asked him how he did it.
He says "I can tell you, but I'd then have to kidnap you and take you away."
I said, "Can you tell my mother-in-law?"

Free Quotes

I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."

Do I Look

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.
"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.

Morning Run

I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes.

Gym Problems

Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?
To get shredded!

Looking For A New Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

Many Uses for A Brush

Husband: "My shaving brush is very stiff now. I wonder what is wrong with it?"
Wife: "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage yesterday."

Working Out

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today...
That’s 7 years in a row now...

Do You Play Hockey or Soccer?

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?”
“Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”

Rope Game

Why did the ballplayer bring a rope to the game?
He wanted to tie the score.

Debt Free

I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"

When We Were Kids

It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.

Painting and Cooking

John, an avant-garde painter got married.
Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."

A Giant's Pronouns

What are a giant's pronouns?
Fe/Fi/Fo/Fum.

New Chemical Formula

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

Trust me, I'm Sleeping

My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.
That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.

Fractured Dictionary, Part II

Baloney \\ba-lo’-ne\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Banquet \\bang’-kwit\\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.
Bernadette \\burn’-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boomerang \\boo’-me-rang\\: What’s on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.

Blame It On the Media

Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.

Margin of Error

Here’s some advice... At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent!
Unless the job is a statistician!

Why is Dad's Hair White?

Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa’s hair is all white!

Chasing His Tail

As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused...
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.

Close Friends

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...
I don’t know 'y'.

Parrot Talk

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

I've Got One of Them

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed. I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”

Going To A Nude Beach

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

I Want To Become A Politician

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."

He Doesn't Know the Meaning

A football coached was asked about his star lineman.
The coach replied, "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his grades and there are a lot of words he doesn't know the meaning of!"

Like Father Like Son

Miser to son: "Son, how much did it cost when you took your girlfriend to dinner yesterday?"
Son: "Dad, it was only $25.00."
Dad: "Oh, that’s not too bad."
Son: "It would've been more, but that was all the money she had on her."

Money Deposit

A customer goes to the bank to make a deposit.
Teller: "Sorry sir. This $100 bill is a fake one. We cannot accept it."
Customer: "What's the big deal? I'm depositing it into my account, right?"

Pregnant Wife

Wife: "I'm pregnant...."
Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!"
Wife: "No, no you’re not."

Love My Wife

To show my wife how much I love her I bought her a beautiful diamond ring...
I had it engraved with the cost.

Reincarnation Seminar

Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar...
I figured, "What the heck, you only live once!"

Dating Vs. Marriage

Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.
Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.