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Short jokes - funny one liners (241 to 280)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 241 to 280. |
The Two Reasons Why
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there.
They have no wife to go home to... or they do!
Comfortably Seated
Jake: "I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortable seated."
Lily: "So what do you do?"
Jake: "I close my eyes."
The Accident That's About to Happen
Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?
I Need A Raise
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."
The Prime Minister
When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.
It’s Trudeau.
The Forgotten Name
Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
Affording A New Mansion
How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?
By the skin of their teeth.
Hospital Sign
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."
Dentist's Office
Why wouldn't the dentist display his awards?
He wanted to prevent plaque buildup.
The Dead Baker
Why couldn't the police identify the dead baker?
He was a John Dough!
Love Me After Marriage
A married couple were quarreling.
Wife: You said you would love me more after marriage?
Husband: I did, but I didn't think you would say yes.
Actuary vs. Mafia
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.
A mafia actuary can name them.
Ineffective Pain Pills
"Evidently, my pain pills are not working."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're still here."
Great Presidents
George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.
Confucius Says...
Confucius says...
"Man who stands in front of car gets tired, man who stands behind car gets exhausted."
Keen Advice
Always follow your dreams!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
His True Love
"Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…"
"Sir, I’m sorry, this is a brewery!"
"Oh, I know…"
One Minute Birthday
Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.
Are You Eating Right
A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."
The Announcement of My Death
Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.
He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"
True Love
Boyfriend: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you."
Girlfriend: "Oh dear, I love you too... what was that you said about Martin?"
Labor Distraction
When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
Valentine's Day Date
This may be surprising for many of my friends, but I happen to have a date for Valentine's Day...
It's February 14.
Two Short Jokes
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke...
The Diving Board
A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
