Short jokes - funny one liners (281 to 320)

Don't Challenge Death To A Pillow Fight

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight...
Don't do it unless you are ready for the reaper cushions!

What's Wrong, Doc?

"What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.”
“I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you. I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.”
“Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.”

Missing Taxi Driver

Magistrate: "What was he doing when you arrested him?"
Policeman: "He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor."
Magistrate: "That is no proof he was drunk."
Policeman: "Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there."

Why Cats Are Smarter

"You know how you can tell that cats are smarter?"
"How?"
"Ever see eight cats pulling a sled through snow?"

Ambulance or Police?

One night a husband and wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up.
"Honey, wake up! I think there’s a burglar downstairs, and it sounds like they're eating the cake I made!” said the wife.
Half asleep, the husband answers, "So should I call the police or the ambulance?”

They Need Ideas

Frustrated, the teen storms into his sister's bedroom. "Why are adults are always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?"
Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they’re looking for ideas.”

Anniversary Gift

She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"

He: "A trip to Thailand."

She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.

He: "That's when I come back to get you."

Phone Issues

I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?

Both Sides Of The Law

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

This Is It?

A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of people waiting to get refreshments.
He asks the bartender, "Is this really the punch line?"

Things To Consider

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...
On the other hand, you don’t.

If You See A Spaceman

What should you do if you see a spaceman?
You should park, man.

Where They Make Average Things

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Give A Bald Man A Comb

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
"Thanks, I’ll never part with it!"

Tough Problem

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

Take A Message

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat, they take a message.

The Can Crusher

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

Why You Never See It

"Do you know why you've never see an elephant hiding up in a tree?"
"No, why?"
"Because they’re really good at it."

It's Red and Bad

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass...
Now it's just beer.

Apple Watching

For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

We Don't Hide Crazy

We don't hide crazy in this family.
We put it out on the front porch and give it a beer!

Shark Meat

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
The slow swimmer.

Getting Old

You know your getting old...
When your son's hair is turning gray.

Identifying A Bald Eagle

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.

Counting sheep

The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”

The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”

“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”

She Goes Boom

My husband calls me the bomb...
Not sure if it’s because I’m super attractive or because I might go off any minute!

Problem Teacher

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."

They Laughed, I Laughed

They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.

Good Morning, Bill

You know you're having a bad day when...
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Ever See A Catfish

Tom: Did you ever see a catfish?
Joe: Sure!
Tom: How did it hold the rod?

Chaplain of the U.S. Senate

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

I'm Still Standing!

With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"

That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.

Evil Lessons

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week...
I don’t know how much she charges.

Contortionist Who Passed Away

Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.

DNA Test Results

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”

Donate A Kidney

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, it's a good thing...
But if you donate five kidneys, it's a bad thing and they call the police.

Nipped In the Bud

I saw a coupon for a discount on a vasectomy.
I clipped it.

Police Officer in Bed

What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.

What Is the NSA?

What is the NSA?
A government organization that actually listens to you.