Sport jokes (2086 to 2100)

Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

I thought you didn't believe in Me!

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided..."

Silly Collection 12

What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?

Ferry tales!


Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich?

Because the poor have nothing worth taking!


Who invented fractions?

Henry the 1/8!


What's an insect's favourite sport?

Cricket!


What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?

A minnie van!


Is this a second hand shop?

Yes Sir
Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please!


How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

By flood lighting!

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

the Top 11 Entries in Bill Gat...

the Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary"

11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.

9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.

8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!

7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

2. Ran into Demi and Ashton. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

1. Seventh day: rested.

One day, in line at the cafete...

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.

I am going on vacation unt...

I am going on vacation until Sunday so I figured I would write long post In many different sections. I am going on a fishing trip with my granddad and we are going to check on my great grandmother.

Joke of the day 6/05/08

Max: Mr. Thatcher, I'm here to talk to you about a raise.
Mr. Thatcher: Well, Max, tell me how long you've been working here not counting tomorrow?

The Post

Now down to the actual Post part. While I was gone I figured I needed to come up with something that would spark a lot of conversation. So I did. I also though for a change it should not be just about technology. So here is the question What will be the next big feat, or discovery. This is in any category from flying cars to the hologram screen. You tell me. Personally I think it will be cars that run on alternative fuel. What do you think please comment.

Two burly blokes were in...

Two burly blokes were in the woods hunting deer. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a dump."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper." His mate replied, "You have 5 bucks, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got that. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"

He left and came back with brown stuff all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your backside with a couple of two-dollar coins, a fifty, two twenties and ten cent piece?"

A man and a woman meet on vaca...

A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love. At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other.

"It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill says. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."

"Well, I'll be honest, too," Jody says. "I'm a hooker."

The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, "Are you keeping your wrists straight?"

Mini Meanie

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.