Sport jokes (841 to 855)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 841 to 855. |
A man is walking from the lake...
A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don?t believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me how they jump out the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"
Deserted island
Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.
One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.
April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"
"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.
April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"
"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."
April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"
Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"
Fear of alligators
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
expecting a baby
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that
they
were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went
hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear
charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on
the
spot."
"Impossible!," the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that
bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
Shalom Race
As you may know, in a shalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds and the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Next came the Israeli's turn ... the crowd waited, and waited...six minutes!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those idiots put a mezuzah on each gate?"
Humor About The Elderly
OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don't
OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
Catching The Fish
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by
A man is fishing and he catche
A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.The Christmas gift...
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars."
"She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I going to find a fake convertible?"
What Really Happened in Washington DC
The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual
conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself
against such claims. However the President would like to
state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident
has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to
undermine his administration.
Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was
necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some
embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said
that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing
as his zipper got stuck.
Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he
found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for
medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one
of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.
In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to
kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the
zipper.
For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no
undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to
end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr.
Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his trousers.
As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure
that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be
seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential
penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should
anyone enter the room.
Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose
as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of
her face so she could properly visualize his fly.
It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's
fly, and it was during this time that another staff member
entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the
situation.
Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing
unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky.
He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a
number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated
assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.
