The best jokes (15286 to 15300)

Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

As a serial divorcé, Donald T

As a serial divorcé, Donald Trump truly represents the marry again people.

"My fellow Americans, I've si

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.
"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan

Daddy's password...

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her older sisters asked, eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

A dietician was once addressin

A dietician was once addressing a largeaudience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachsis enough to have killed most of ussitting here, years ago. Red meat isawful. Vegetables can be disastrous,and none of us realizes the germs in ourdrinking water. But there is one thingthat is the most dangerous of all and weall eat it. Can anyone here tell me whatlethal product I'm referring to?, You,sir, in the first row, please give usyour idea."
The man in the front row lowered his headand said, "Wedding cake."

Oops

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her B

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've WokeUp With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm ScaredShe'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That ChewedMy Ass All Day

It Had Been Snowing All Night

It had been snowing all night - So .....................:
8:00 am I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, 'Snowballs' and am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.
Moral: There is no moral to this story.

A woman is learning how to gol

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing."
She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

My Wife Is Mad

My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction.
So I packed all my bags and right!

Woodworking project

“I just can't seem to finish this woodworking project, but it's not for lacquer trying.”

Which animal is the best?

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

So now, I'm, Just Fred

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," the driver replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Why Did You Go There?

A local citizen ran for a political position for the first time and won. "Congratulate me," he says to his wife. "I won the nomination!"
The wife replies, surprised, "Honestly?"
"Now why in thunder did you want to bring up that point for?"

With his wife sick in bed, a m

With his wife sick in bed, a man did the weekly supermarket shopping. By the time he reached the checkout, his cart was overflowing. Behind him in the line was a little old lady with just a loaf of bread and some butter.
He turned to her and said: "Is that all you have dear?"
Her face lit up, "Yes, it is."
"Well," he said, "if I were you I'd have a seat because I'm gonna be a while."