The best jokes (15316 to 15330)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15316 to 15330. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
So now, I'm, Just Fred
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," the driver replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Why Did You Go There?
A local citizen ran for a political position for the first time and won. "Congratulate me," he says to his wife. "I won the nomination!"
The wife replies, surprised, "Honestly?"
"Now why in thunder did you want to bring up that point for?"
With his wife sick in bed, a m
With his wife sick in bed, a man did the weekly supermarket shopping. By the time he reached the checkout, his cart was overflowing. Behind him in the line was a little old lady with just a loaf of bread and some butter.He turned to her and said: "Is that all you have dear?"
Her face lit up, "Yes, it is."
"Well," he said, "if I were you I'd have a seat because I'm gonna be a while."
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?""Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
The teenage son was having tro
The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account."The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said.
"Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"
Feet count
Marge was in bed with a man. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. The man said, "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home!!! What am I going to do?""Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk he isn't going to notice you here with me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, youre so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, and four... Gosh, you're right, dear!"
Poisonous Snake
2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"
The birth of Eve
God asks asks Adam how he's doing, - "Well, it's ok but I am abit lonely".
"Ok" God answers. - "Let's do something about it. I can give you the most wonderful and satisfactory being and friend you'll ever need you'll never be lonely again, and you'll have everything you ever need".
"But it means I need your arm and leg to create that being".
Adam ponders and isn't willing to sacrifice his arm and leg. -"Ok" God says again.
"With only your leg, I can make a nice and welcoming partner for you, giving you no grief only happiness"
Adam ponders again - he is rather lonely but really wants his leg.
"What can I get for one of my rib bones ?" Adam finally replies
A Writer's Plight
An author wrote a novel and sent it off to a publisher. The publisher held on to the hard copy so long, that termites got into it.
In the final analysis, the book was rejected. The story line had too many holes in it.
A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder
He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."
Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."
The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.
This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.
After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."
He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.
The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."
The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.
Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.
"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."
"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.
"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"
The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"
"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."
The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.
"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."
In the back of the Guinness Bo...
In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states "All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris' records." 
