The best jokes (15631 to 15645)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15631 to 15645. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.Danny Bhoy: Bank in Debt
How can a bank be in debt? Does no one address that? Youre a bank: youve got all the money and stuff. If youre in debt, send someone off to the main computer, tell them to go to debts, select all, delete. Thats it, thats all you need to do. Then were all in the clear, right?Gynecologist Painter
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went tothe unemployment office to hire someone for the day.
When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available,
but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took
him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the
unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time
there were two painters, but instead he asked for the
gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we
have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we
arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But
I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand
through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"
A lawyer died and arrived at t...
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"Black Jew
Q: What did Hitler say to the black Jew?A: Get to the back of the oven.
Submitted by wavesk8er102
Edited by Curtis
Writing letters to son
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
Business one-liners 47
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
Qualifying For Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
You Might Be A Redneck If 10
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Married life is frustrating
Married life is very frustrating.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A special celebration...
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
Funny jokes-Watermelons
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
Funny jokes-Who needs Nursing home care
What with the average cost for a nursing home care touching $200 per day, we have found a better option when we are old and need to be taken care of.
We've checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, they are offering $73.56 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves us with a host of benefits:
# $126.44 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we like, room service, laundry, TV movies or any other expenses.
# Not just that, they provide a spa, swimming pool, gym, washer-dryer, and other facilities.
# Other than that, we get free toothpaste, shampoo, soap and razors.
# If we give even $5 worth of tips a day, we'll have the entire staff scrambling to help us.
# Best part - they treat us like a customer - not a patient.
# We get a city bus from the bus stop across the street and we seniors ride free.
# If we can fake a limp, that's even better - the handicap bus will pick us up .
# We have a church bus service on Sundays to meet other nice people.
# For a change of scenery, we take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While we're at the airport, we have the option to fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps piling up.
# It would have taken us months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take care of our reservation today.
# Another advantage - we are not stuck at one place forever - we can move from Inn to Inn, or from city to city.
# Want to see exotic places? Holiday Inn is everywhere. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Shower needs fixing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
# They even have night security and daily room service. The room service checks to see if we are all right. If not, they'll call an ambulance, or the undertaker, as the case may be. If we fall and break a bone, Medicare will pay for the treatment, and Holiday Inn will upgrade us to a suite for the rest of our lives.
# Nothing to worry about visits from family. They will always be glad to find us, and probably check in for a few days of vacationing.
# The grandchildren will be happy to use the pool.
What more could we old folk ask for?
Skydiving...
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
