The best jokes (15646 to 15660)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15646 to 15660. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Getting the Children Ready
During the cold winter a family was preparing to go out for an evening activity. The wife, who was normally bustling about getting the children ready to leave, was this evening instead standing right inside the front door, her arms full of coats.
And instead of being prepared to leave, her four small children were busy running circles around her playing one of their non-stop games of tag.
Her husband, coming down the stairs, was shocked at the spectacle.
“Honey,” he said, “What are you doing just standing there? We'll be late!”
“Here,” his wife replied, handing him the coats with a smug smile, “I thought that this time you would like to have the privilege of putting the children into their coats, while I go and honk the horn.”
Bill Gates And God
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.The supreme deity turned to Al and said, "Tell me what is important about yourself."
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand."
God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand."
God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly, and asked, "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded, "I think you are sitting in my chair."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
I Stand at the Door
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.").
Horse Race
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
“I had a novel idea f...
“I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.”
Tell Me About Your Circuit Breaker
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes five sessions.
Cooking class...
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"
As President Roosevelt said: "...
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."Chuck Norris once leaned again...
Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.A young married couple has dif
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.
After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
Eliot Chang: Politically Correct Friend
He actually said this to me; hes like, Hey man, you got to be careful. Theres a lot of women that have an Asian fetish. Well, what do you mean? Theyll have sex with you just cause youre Asian. Arent you offended? Uh, Ill be offended after my orgasm. Daniel Tosh: God Does Not Hate Gay People
God does not hate gay people. Hes just mad because they found a loophole in His system. 
