The best jokes (15661 to 15675)

An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Grandma

I was out walking with my 4-year-old Grand daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my Granddaughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied. At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa'.
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

Q: What is the difference betw...

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick

Pride

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

The fruit juice entrepreneur w...

The fruit juice entrepreneur was quite snappley dressed.

After much arguing and deliber...

After much arguing and deliberation, historians have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era.

It will be called SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

A Forester and Lawyer in Heaven #joke #humor

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

An old man of ninety was sitti...

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.

A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

Sixty is the worst age to be,&...

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

When I was 14, all I wanted wa...

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

Tear to your eyes

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye!

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by curtis and Tantilazing

Will Of Americans

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.

A good politician is quite as ...

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

Scary Collection 62

A witch joke
What kind of tests do they give in witch school?
Hex-aminations!

A witch joke
What do you call a witch that stays out all night?
A fresh air freak!

A witch joke
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch?
A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!

A witch joke
What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
A witch in a minefield!
A witch joke
What is the difference between a musician and a dead witch?
One composes and the other decomposes!

A witch joke
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her!

A witch joke
What usually runs in witches' families?
Noses!

Helping an overweight blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"