The best jokes (15676 to 15690)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15676 to 15690. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The Resume Bloopers
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
In school, Chuck Norris put "v...
In school, Chuck Norris put "violence" down for every answer on math tests and always got 100% because he solves all problems with violence.Significant rule
Santa: What's the unsaid but most significant rule in chemistry?Banta: Don't ever lick lick the spoon!
Oxymorons
47. Act naturally46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. 'Now, then ...'
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works
“How can you get a dr...
“How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.”
Corduroy pillows
Buy corduroy pillows, they're making headlines!Public pool...
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Pimple Head
Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead!"
Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely."
Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"
The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."
Really funny jokes-Children of Movie stars
Tina: “Somebody told me you have a new father, how is he?”
Rita: “Really nice. Come to my place, you can meet him. I am sure you will like him.”
Tina: “I have already met him. Last year, he was my father too.”
Brewery accident...
Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.
"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."
"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.
"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Brewery."
"Oh, God NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."
"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."
Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"
Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."
"NO?"
"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."
Merv was in a terrible acciden...
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
“Why did the car cros...
“Why did the car cross the river with the boat? It was a ford escort.”
Gimme all your money...
A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"
The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"
The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
