The best jokes (17716 to 17730)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 17716 to 17730. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Two lawyers...
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Realization of becoming a Mother
My daughter Maureen, realized she had finally turned into a mother, due to the following observations:
- She developed a habit of automatically double-knotting everything she tied.
- She found herself humming the Barney song as she did the dishes.
- The moment she would hear a baby cry in the grocery store, she would start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth, even though the children were at school!
- She actually began to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
- She developed a habit of automatically double-knotting everything she tied.
- She found herself humming the Barney song as she did the dishes.
- The moment she would hear a baby cry in the grocery store, she would start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth, even though the children were at school!
- She actually began to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
- She wept through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to her.
- She got so involved with crafts that she was considering writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
- She would spend an hour looking for her glares only to have her little kid comment, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
- She would be dining in a fine restaurant with her husband, when suddenly she would realize that she had reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Business One-liners 30
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
Quality assurance doesn't.
Quit while your still behind.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.
A mechanic was removing a cyli...
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"
#joke
Funny Humor about the Irish
This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan."That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."
To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"
#joke #doctor
Take public transit? Hellz yea...
Take public transit? Hellz yeah, that's how I bus to move.#joke #short
Chuck Norris is so fast, he ca...
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.#joke #short #chuck-norris
Chuck Norris once ordered a st...
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.Aliens DO indeed exist. They j...
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.#joke #short #chuck-norris
Chuck Norris played Russian Ro...
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.#joke #short #chuck-norris
The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
#joke #short
Red scarf
Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.
#joke #short
Three Days After Easter
Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."#joke #friday
