The best jokes (17731 to 17745)

Red scarf

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?
Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.

Three Days After Easter

Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."

Cinderella was sad. She had no...

Cinderella was sad. She had no date to the big ball, and even if she did, she didn't have a dress the wear. Out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appears. The godmother says, "Cinderella, if you want to go to the ball, I can give you a dress, but I cannot give you a date. Do you want to go?"

"Yes, godmother, more than anything!" Cinderella says.

"Well, stand back and let me work" the godmother says.

BOOM!

Cinderella is now in a skimpy skin tight dress.

"Now Cinderella, if you are not home but 3 AM, then your pussy will turn into a pumpkin" the grandmother says. Not hearing what her godmother had said, Cinderella rushed to the ball.

At 3:30 AM the fairy godmother is pacing around the house wondering where Cinderella was. About 3:45 AM, Cinderella walks in with her hair all messed up. "Where have you been!" the godmother yells. "And why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?"

"Oh godmother," Cinderella says."I had the best time of my life. I had sex with this most attractive man".

"Well, that explains where you have been, but why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?" the godmother asks "What was this guys name?"

So Cinderella says, "Um, lets see, um, Oh yeah, his name was Peter Peter, um Oh yeah, Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

blonde and the computer

Q) How do you know when a blonde has been using a computer?

A) Theres cheese by the mouse and tip-ex on the screen!

Dane Cook: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss

Im in a new club, by the way. And I dont know if youre first timers like I am, but Im in the I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. Im on the phone and I forget that Im using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as Im standing there, mid-conversation, Im like Are you serious? and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

Chuck Norris does not beg to d...

Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris originally appear...

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Chuck replied, "That's no glitch."

What's a cat's fav...

What's a cat's favourite dessert?

Many environmentalists are als...

Many environmentalists are also writers. They have many litter rarely qualities.

Celebrity Farting

Shaggy, Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant. Someone farts and Shaggy says,Wasnt me!. Shania Twain says, That dont impress me much. Britney Spears says,Oops, I did it again.

The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts. Shaggy says, Wasnt me!. Shania Twain says, That dont impress me much. Britney Spears says, Stronger than yesterday.

The Driver, the Priest, and the Lawyer

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer. Then he remembered, "I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer," and at the last second he swerved to miss the lawyer.
But he heard a thump outside anyway. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

Tom McCaffrey: In Every Single Cop Movie

You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, theres always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then hell fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then hell be, like, Ugh, Im gettin too old for this? And Im like, was there a time where that was OK? I think thats bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, Oh my god! Im exactly the right age for this.

Scent Makes You Gamble

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Monday, December 7, 1992
In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business.
The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.

Wrinkled

What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?

Your mother.

A door-to-door salesman comes-...

A door-to-door salesman comes-a-knocking and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, a beer in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.

The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"