The best jokes (18301 to 18315)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 18301 to 18315. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Lol
Doc, I think I'm a bridge.' 'What's come over you?' 'So far, three cars, a truck and a bus.And God Created Dog and Cat
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'
Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'
And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.
After trying a new shampoo for...
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.Several weeks late,r he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.
"Well, what do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.
"I think that next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."
A few years in the desert...
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Do You Sell Dildoes
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"The sa lesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
Kids jokes-Sales call
Dean: Hello, little fellow. Can I speak to your mother?
Little kid : She is not at home.
Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?
Little kid: Ya, my sis.
Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?
Little kid: All right.
There was a long silence. Then:
Little kid: Hello?
Dean: Oh, it's you again. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Little kid: I tried. The trouble is, I can't get her out of the playpen.
Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe
I have this thing that I do called Mysteries of the Universe, when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor. There are no races, only count...
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.Lightbulb Joke Collection 09
Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.
Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong.
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb."
Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
When in a bar, you can order a...
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.Do citrus farmers drive around...
Do citrus farmers drive around in lime-oozings?Someone overturned my port-a-p...
Someone overturned my port-a-potty! So I pressed litigation, hiring lawyer John Flip Sues-aDangerous food...
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."
Poor Old Lady
This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says,"Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with
farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't
smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since
talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take
this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all
gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady
comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in
those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear
them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods
his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus
problem, now let's work on your hearing."
