The best jokes (18526 to 18540)

“My friend had a star

“My friend had a start at writing some moving poetry, but gave up when he couldn't find a good rhyme for 'U-Haul.'”

What's a beer afficionad

What's a beer afficionado's favourite kind of porn?

I like joking. It makes me fee

I like joking. It makes me feel a tease.

Yes, I will stab a sw

Yes, I will stab a sweet potato with a plastic pen to impress a lover of Shakespeare. I yam Bic-pen to meet ‘er.

I invited the Dalai Lama over

I invited the Dalai Lama over for dinner, but he said Buddha that, which is just as well, as I'm willing Tibet you anything that he would have run a monk.

In his college days, Einstein

In his college days, Einstein had a psychedelic dream about hobbits being struck by lightning. He awoke and proclaimed to the world this discovery – of the Frodo-electric effect.

What do bad Eskimos get in the

What do bad Eskimos get in their stockings for Xmas?

I get upset about Asian canine

I get upset about Asian canine-smugglers. They really know how to pooch my Bhutans.

I saw a live witchcraft perfor

I saw a live witchcraft performance last night. They had me spellbound. Those ladies did a hex of a job.

Tense disagreement

Have you heard about the kid who was going to argued with his dad?
There was a tense disagreement.

Original joke by @nogueydude

Pope forbid Catholics

Why did the pope forbid Catholics from traveling to the land of the beavers?
Because – he wanted them to avoid dam nation!

Radios

NED: I think all radios are sexist.
ED: Why's that?
NED: Because, I AM/FM-inist!

Three men are in a hot-air bal...

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."

A brilliant magician was perfo...

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

Humor about the Irishmen

There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."