The best jokes (19021 to 19035)

 Scary Collection 09

A witch joke
How did the witch feel after she was run over by a car?
Tyred!

A cannibal joke
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them!

A ghost joke
Where do undertakers go in October?
The hearse of the year show!

A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
The fangdango!

A Halloween joke
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!

A witch joke
How do witches lose weight?
They join weight witches!

Top 10 Uses For Holiday Fru

Top 10 Uses For Holiday Fruitcakes
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words pin cushion.

 Knock Knock Collection 164

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherwood!
Sherwood who!
Sherwood like to come in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shirley!
Shirley who?
Shirley you must know me by now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sicily!
Sicily who?
Sicily question!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sid!
Sid who!
Sid down and have a cup of tea!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Simon!
Simon who?
Simon the dotted line!

 Mommy Mommy 08

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

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Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garbage compactor?
Shut up and chew!

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Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's too tough!
Shut up and keep chewing!

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Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

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Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Hey Waiter

”Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!”
”Keep it down, sir, or everyone will want one.”

Lose weight

“To help me lose weight, my doctor recommends a glutton-free diet.”

 Twelve Days Microsoft

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!

Which broadcaster was too r

Which broadcaster was too horse to read the news? Chevalter Kronkite. He was offered some water, but said ‘neigh‘, even though he knew it would stirrup trouble.

Converting wood into toilet pa

Converting wood into toilet paper has no rhetorical defensibility. I see through your softest-tree!

 Making Cars Drive

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 17, 1993
Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the passenger door from inside, she sped away.

Kiss my relatives

When I have to kiss my relatives at family functions, it's like the coming of the pack o' lips.

Do souls in the underworld dia

Do souls in the underworld dial using Ba'al Hellephone?

“The orthopedist went

“The orthopedist went back to school to bone up on new surgical techniques.”

What did the founder of Starbu

What did the founder of Starbucks and Jesus have in common?

“Why are so many prod

“Why are so many produce farmers optimists? They take life kumquat may!”