The best jokes (19171 to 19185)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 19171 to 19185. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Why did Britney's suicid
Why did Britney's suicide attempt fail?The homely lass inspired Van M
The homely lass inspired Van Morrison to write ‘Unibrow Eyed Girl'Malcom X was unfraid to fart a
Malcom X was unfraid to fart among white people. He simply threw Caucasian to the wind.Hannibal Lecter has an rong
Hannibal Lecter has an eat a face complex.Are midgets mean?
Are midgets mean?You’re dumping me for a chartered financial analyst? Go ahead, CFA care. #joke #short
When the President of Harvard
When the President of Harvard elected to fumigate the entire university, people accused him of having loused his faculties.Selection of recent Dad jokes and puns
When does a sandwich cook?
When it is bakin' lettuce and tomato.
Why did the smart phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-soda.
Why did the cow cross the road?
They wanted to go to the mooooovies.
What do you call a funky car?
Mustang.
What did the hammer say to his homeboys?
Nailed it.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What is big and green and falls off over the tree will kill you?
A snooker table.
What did the French guy do when he drank too much water?
He went oui oui in his pants.
Where do pencils spend their vacation?
Pencil-Vania.
What do flies eat for breakfast?
A bowl of poop loops.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.
What did the duck do when he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a female magician in the dessert?
A sand witch.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
I hurt my foot driving the other day. You know what I called?
The toe company.
What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?
Tyrannosaurus checks.
Independence Day Jokes
July 4th is Independence Day (US National Holiday)! Find jokes about it!
Why do Bigelow employees like the Fourth of July so much?
They love to celebrate liber-tea!
What is red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam when he takes a tumble down the stairs.
Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the New York harbor?
It can’t sit.
What do you call a duck who says ‘bang’?
A firequacker.
Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
It cracked me up!
What was the popular dance in 1776?
The indepen-dance.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette
What did one flag say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved!
Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?
No, it was written in ink!
What happens when you cross a stegosaurus with a firework?
Dino-myte!
What did the ghost say on the Fourth of July?
Red, white and boo.
What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-old pizza.
Who was the dog that announced, “The British are coming”?
Paw Revere.
Who doesn’t get a day of July 4?
Fire – fire works.
What’s red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam.
What has feathers, webbed feet, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
The duck-laration of happiness.
What happens if you cross a Declaration signer and a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo
What is the best sport to play on the Fourth of July?
Flag football.
Where is the capital in Washington, D.C.?
At the beginning.
What do you call a snowman on the Fourth of July?
A puddle.
What do you call a patriotic cartoonist?
A Yankee Doodler.
Why are there no Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.
What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
One of them has their face on a bill and the other one has a bill on their face.
Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What did the tourists say when they left the Statute of Liberty?
Keep in torch!
What do ducks love about the Fourth of July?
Firequackers.
What do firecrackers eat at the movies?
Pop-corners.
Why couldn’t George Washington sleep at night?
Because he couldn’t lie.
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say on Independence Day?
May the fourth be with you!
What did the little firecracker say to the big one?
“Hi, Pop!”
What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
What do you call a Fourth of July accident at Mount Rushmore?
A monumental disaster.
What is the most patriotic dog breed?
Yankee Poodles
What was Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?
Fire crackers.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.
Why can’t you skip out on the Fourth of July barbecue?
It would be a missed-steak.
What do an American flag and a sad candy cane have in common?
They’re both red, white and blue
What did the revolutionaries wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.
What did the firework seller say to his colleague on July 4?
Business is booming!
Did you hear about the angry firework?
He was so mad, he exploded!
Why did Paul Revere ride to Lexington on his horse?
Well, the horse was too heavy to carry.
What’s a firework’s favorite song?
“Pop it Like it’s Hot.”
What do fireworks eat when it’s hot out?
Popsicles!
Who is the least guilty president?
Lincoln – he’s in a cent!
Which Founding Father is a puppy’s favorite?
Bone Franklin.
What has four legs, a shiny nose and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer.
Whose favorite lyric in "The Star Spangled Banner" is “Oh say can you see”?
An optometrist!
How do Americans spend their Fourth of July weekend?
Getting stuck in traffic.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
(Just like how the British turned red when they saw the Americans dressing up as independent!)
#independenceday
38 Rock jokes to celebrate International Rock Day
International Rock Day, celebrated on July 13 every year, is all about paying tribute to rocks. Have some fun with jokes that Rock!
What do you call it when two carbons are in a relationship?
Carbon dating.
Why were the rock couple breaking up?
Because they took each other for granite.
Why did the rock couple break up?
Because they couldn't comet to each other.
My wife told me she is thinking about selling Egyptian rocks.
It sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
What do you call a criminal rock?
Scum of the Earth.
Why did the rock decide to hit the gym?
Because he wanted to be bigger and boulder.
Where do the posh stones live?
Rockefeller Street!
Why did the rock sleep all day?
He was a bedrock.
How did the rock feel about going to jail?
He was petrified.
How did the rock feel when he got covered in algae?
He was lichen it.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why did the rock shower every morning?
He wanted to start with a clean slate.
What did the stone want to be when it grew up?
A rock star.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Why was the rock unprogressive?
Because it was stuck in the Stonehenge.
Why was the rock hesitant to start his work?
Because he was stuck in corundum.
What did the rock do when it rolled down the road?
It rock 'n' rolled.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs.
Who is a geologist’s favorite comedian?
Chris Rock.
What is a geologist’s favorite treat?
Rock candy.
Why did the rock take English lessons?
To help it talk boulder.
What did the rock order at the bar?
Soda on the rocks.
Did you hear about the drunk geologist?
He finally hit rock bottom.
Which rock group is made up of four men who can’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why was the criminal rock acquitted?
Because his alibi was rock solid.
What is a geologist’s favorite type of music?
Hard rock.
Which magazine do rocks subscribe to?
The Rolling Stone.
Why didn’t the stone get back together with the rock?
He had too many faults.
What did Ariel say when she met the rock pool?
You have nice mussels.
Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
What is rock's favorite fruit?
A pome-granite.
Why do hipsters like rocks?
They’re underground.
Where do you take an injured rock?
To the Rocktor.
Why did the judge find the rock guilty?
The lawyers had concrete evidence.
How do stones get to outer space?
By rock-et.
What kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean?
Heavy rock.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What did the young rock say about failing his tests?
I don't want to talc about it.
Dyslexic clairvoyant nurse
Hear about the dyslexic clairvoyant nurse who didn't bother to charge for her services, because she could fee into the suture? Healthy Advice
"Why does Grandma spray Windex all over her Medicare co-pay invoices?"
"She said she wants a clean bill of health."
