The best jokes (2581 to 2595)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 2581 to 2595. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
At school, a boy is told by a
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"
A wealthy man and his wife are
A wealthy man and his wife are going to a function, so they decide to give the butler the night off. However, a couple of hours later the wife was bored, so she leaves the party and goes home, only to find the butler sitting alone at the table. She orders the butler upstairs to her bedroom, where she locks the door..."Jeeves," she commands, "take off my hat."
Jeeves promptly obeys.
"Now, Jeeves," she says, "take off my dress."
He obeys.
"Now, Jeeves, please remove my underwear."
Breaking into a nervous sweat, Jeeves complies.
"Now Jeeves," the wife says, "if I should ever catch you wearing my clothes again..."
Millennials
I’m so tired of Millennials and their attitudes….
Always walking around like they rent the place.
3 short fresh jokes
I mentioned to my girlfriend that she had drawn her eyebrows a bit too high.
She seemed surprised.
Mechanic: Your car's got a flat.
Me: It's called a garage.
My girlfriend told me, "If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!"
"I guess.. it’s a matter of wife or death."
Top 22 dad jokes, voted by kids
1. Why did the crab never share?
Because he’s shellfish.
2. Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
3. What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
4. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off!
5. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.
6. I keep trying to lose weight...
but it keeps finding me.
7. What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!
8. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
9. You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trumpet.
10. Why can’t T-Rexs clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...
but I couldn’t find any.
12. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
13. Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time-consuming.
14. What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
15. What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
16. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
17. I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
18. Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
19. Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
20. What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
21.Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired
22.Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
Lotsa Amore
Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people.
That's the biggest number I've ever heard.
Safety and Health at Work Day Jokes
April 28th is World Day for Safety and Health at Work! Find some jokes about it:
Danger is my middle name
but Safety first.
Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?
He felt it was a tripping hazard.
BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...
The drivers.
I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me. I'll never go to that spinning class again.
Some Safet quotes
If you think professional safety officers are expensive,wait until you see what an amateur costs
Follow the safety rules or you will be fired before you hit the ground
“In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”
You’ll look pretty stupid trying to eat corn on the cob with no teeth
While on a ladder, never step back to admire your work
Ladder safety has it’s ups and downs.
Don’t watch her behind. Keep safety in mind!
Safety’s OK if you got all day.
Our aim is to keep the toilets clean – your aim will help!
When safety is a factor, call in a contractor.
Work Safely and Carry a Big Lunch Box
Be Safe at Work Today; Call In Sick
If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane
Happy Thursday with fresh new jokes
As a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
To the horse-pital
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet
It's a good thing I'm married.
I asked my wife, "Do you think the cup is half full or half empty?"
She said, "Please for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!"
I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twat...
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round
What a day! The police came around and accused me of stealing my neighbours underwear...
I nearly shit her pants!
14 new blonde jokes
1.Two blondes walk into a bar…
You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
2. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
3. Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.
4. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.
5. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back!
6. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; she's got a grenade in her teeth!
7. Blonde: "Do you have any children?"
Colleague: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
Blonde: "I might be blonde, but I know how to count."
8. Why did the blonde get fired from her job packaging M&Ms?
She kept throwing out all the ‘Ws'.
9. I found my blonde girlfriend painting the spare bedroom, wearing my coat and hers.
She was sweating buckets.
When I asked her why, she said it was because the can said "best results with two coats"!
10. What's blonde and dead in a closet?
The hide-and-seek champion from 1995.
11. What do you give a blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
12. Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
13. Friend: Have you met my identical twin sister yet?
Blonde: No, what does she look like?
14. Why can't you tell a blonde a knock-knock joke?
Because they keep getting up to answer the door.
Baboom
Forgot my Pin for the 3rd time today...
As expected, I'm now banned from Grenade training.
Money Aged Over Youth
60 may be the new 40...
But the $100 dollar bill is the new $20 dollar bill.
