The best jokes (2806 to 2820)

While attending a marriage sem

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wifeCarolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbandsand wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "PillsburyAll-Purpose, isn't it honey?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

Two old pensioners are taking

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to theplace where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I metyou over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gasworks, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with agrin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you onefrom behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sittingnext to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinkingit would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up andfollows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works.The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the littleold lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the mostathletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is bangingaway at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described asphenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they donot stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don'tmove for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anythingthat equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have toknow his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years'time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn'telectrified."

Sins of Omission

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior"

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Best Diet Ever

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

Compromised case

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Turn Around

My GPS just told me to turn around...
Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

A guy is going on a tour of a

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

The Late Cable Installer

Applicant: Shows up 45 minutes late for interview to be a cable installer.
Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

The strong young man at the co

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."

The Big Mount Everest

I built a model of Mount Everest.
My son asked, “Is it to scale?”
I replied, “No... it’s to look at.”

Back in the Cold War days, Iva

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. After six months he complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.
Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took off her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"
She responded, "In the U.S. it's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."
They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks and he noticed that her legs are shaved also.
He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"
Once more, she said, "In the U.S. it's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."
After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"
She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"

The Good Thief

Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less than his wife.

A man rushed into a bar and or

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.
The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.
Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

Buzz Aldrin Introduction

How Buzz Aldrin introduces himself...
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon... Neil before me!"