The best jokes (3181 to 3195)

Another College Joke

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison!

A Great Solution for Insomnia

"I'm suffering dreadfully from insomnia. I've tried all sorts of remedies, but I can find nothing that will send me to sleep."
"Why don't your try talking to yourself?"

When a woman wears leather clo

When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry
He goes weak in the knees
snd he begins to think irrationally
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck!!!

The Leading Cause

What's the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

The joy of keeping your option

The joy of keeping your options open, aka an either/or-gasm.

Once a man questioned his wife

Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... no matter who left you a fortune!" she replied softly.

School

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a stupid student (pointing at student).
Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"

Defining Moments

What does "The Devil is in the details" mean?
It means the government just passed the budget.

I Have A Hoarse Throat

"Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat."
"Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn't end there."

The Forgotten Scissors

After surgery, the doctor said to the patient, "I am sorry, but I forgot a pair of scissors inside you. I need to..."
The patient quickly responded, "Oh don't bother doctor! If it is because of that, just tell me how much it cost and I will pay you back."

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Applications are now being accepted for 2-year-old nursery workers. Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.-

Start With A Joke

The boss asked Mark to start the presentation with a joke.
He shared his paycheck as the first slide.

Waiting for the Echo

A man climbs up to the top of a mountain. He shouts "I love you!" and waits for the echo.
The echo comes replies, "I have a boyfriend!"

On the Marx

The Marx Bros seldom spoke of their embarrassing cousin...
Skid Marx.

17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia

A kangaroo is hopping around Australia

Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch

In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program

” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all

It’s funny since none of them actually walk

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind