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International Firefighters' Day jokes
International Firefighters' Day (IFFD) is observed on May 4. Check out some firefighters jokes.
What happened to the firefighter who wasn't doing well in his job?
He got fired!
Daddy, which letter firefighters hates the most?
R, son.
What do cops and firefighters have in common?
They both wanted to be firefighters.
Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building. The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.
The lady says, "The former seems interesting, but I think I'll choose the ladder."
Working from home sucks...
....if you’re a firefighter.
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class:
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down It was the sole survivor.
Few new jokes to make Monday more tolerable
Today I saw a burglar breaking into his own house.
Guess he was working from home.
What did the tree say to the new spring flower?
I'm rooting for you.
- Why don't flowers like to ride bicycles?
Because they keep losing their petals!
- What did one spring chicken say to the other?
You are eggcellent!
- What falls, but never needs a bandage?
The rain!
- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
Yesterday, I watched our wedding video in reverse.
It was quite uplifting to see myself removing the ring from my wife's finger, exiting the church, and heading out for drinks with my closest buddies.
8 new jokes for Happy Friday
1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.
I know the drill.
2. Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
3. Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
They made a movie about life b
They made a movie about life before disposable diapers, aka Cloth Encounters of the Turd Kind.
Describe Me In Five Words
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
So, officer, let me get this straight...
"So, officer, let me get this straight. You're telling me it's illegal to have 12 glasses of wine and fall asleep on a 5 hour flight? I wasn't rude or rowdy, I didn't yell at anyone. At least two of the passengers were more drunk than me and you didn't arrest them"Arresting officer: "Well sir, that may be so, but you were the pilot"
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while...
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
Supporting A Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"
"Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Two Aliens Landed
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."
" Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him as a charred, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear."
There was this guy at a bar, j...
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
