The best jokes (3166 to 3180)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 3166 to 3180. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Good advice...
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
My wife is an angel
My wife is an angel.
All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.
A husband and wife were drivin
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."@DSGermain - They say behind every strong man ...
They say behind every strong man, there’s a strong woman.
Well, behind every fuckup, there’s a best friend saying, “Go for it,...
@DSGermain
http://on.cc.com/1AHspdw
Humor About Death
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, -- but their future is doubtful
A blonde woman, a priest, a pi...
A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven." The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?" The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!" Taking a Drunk Home
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys noticed his condition and decide to be good Samaritans andtake him home.
First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lives, but he kept falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they got to his house, he fell down another four times on the way to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
A photographer for a national
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Suck it, pluck it...
In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them.
Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them.
So Joe went up to the salesperson but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were.
So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms.
Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought them and left.
Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. So he went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms."
The salesperson rang up the sale and said, "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms..."
"...What I want to know is are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"
“The Rodent Club fini
“The Rodent Club finished drafting their constitution, but it has yet to be ratified.”
At a fine-dining restaurant, t
At a fine-dining restaurant, the waiter approached a man who was carefully studying the menu. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked."Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chicken," The man replied.
"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided, "We just tell them straight out they're going to die."
I have been in many places, bu
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
