The best jokes (6136 to 6150)

Is It A Crime?

Lawyer: "Is it a crime to throw sodium in your enemy's eyes?"
Judge: "Yes, that's assault."
Lawyer: "I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

Competition at the retirement home

An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's."

What did he say?

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

Little Workers

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a nature history lesson.
'Worker ants,' she told them, 'can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?'
One child was ready with the answer, 'They don't have a union?'

 

Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

There Was A Place Crash In Poland

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Need A New Lawyer

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
   
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
   
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
   
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
   
5. A prison guard is shaving your head.
   

Advice From a Wise Woman

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

Walking on Water

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat. Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

A man is standing in a bar dri

A man is standing in a bar drinking when a friend walks in. They get to talking and at 10:00 he says, "It's been great, but I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."
The immediate response is, "You aren't doing it right. Do what I do. Go home and enter the bedroom quietly. Pull back the covers and slip into bed. Very gently caress your wife and kiss her over and over. Make love passionately for fifteen minutes. And take my word for it that there will be no complaints in the morning."
He decides to try that and continues drinking for another hour before heading home to give this approach a try.
When he gets home, the house is pitch black. He goes quietly into the bedroom, pulls back the covers and takes his friend's advice. There were no complaints, just some contented sighs. He gets up and goes to the bathroom to wash up.
As he walks in, he discovers his wife there. Amazed he cries out, "What are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!" she exclaims. "You'll wake my mother."

“When a new cat arriv

“When a new cat arrives, the news spreads quickly via word of mouse.”

A 3-year-old boy examined his

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Friends with an Undertaker

An undertaker can be one of your best friends...
He'll be the last one to let you down.

What’s In The Sack?

Two neighbors living in New York’s stockbroker belt were discussing how they had made their respective fortunes.
One said, “When I came here from Mexico three years ago, all I had was the boots on my feet and a sack on my back. Look at me now: a $10 million house, a $3 million penthouse apartment, three classic cars worth $1 million each, a yacht worth $3 million, and $5 million in the bank.”
“That’s amazing,” said his neighbor. “Tell me, what was in the sack?”
“Twenty-four million dollars.”

No kids

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Author NuSuntTroll

Photo by Ashton Bingham on Unsplash