The best jokes (6151 to 6165)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 6151 to 6165. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Grandma & The Speeding Ticket
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”
The Los Angeles Police Departm
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
A policeman sends his wife and
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"
Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"
Embarrassed, the husband admits, "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."
The cop thought for a second and said, "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this b**** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
Heart Attack
Two years after my heart attack, I was teaching my college course when I felt discomfort in my chest. I paused the class to pop my medication and felt better quickly.
“Now, if I ever do have a heart attack,” I told my students, “I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”
One of them shouted out, ”How much?”
Twitter Soldiers
Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?
Because they're always too quick to retweet.
A soldier at the Pentagon got
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
A man travels to Spain and goe
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks."Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
The Time Traveler
A bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Magic Window
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
"You know why I love this bar?" asks the first one.
"No," says the second guy. "Why do you love this bar?"
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground. "It has a magic window," he says. "You jump out of that window, and you can fly."
The second guy just shakes his head. "Shut up."
"No," says the first guy. "It really is a magic window. I'll prove it to you."
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies. He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in. He walks to his barstool, and takes a sip of his drink. "See?" he says.
The first guy looks confused. He looks at his drink. "I must be drunk," he says.
"Still don't believe me?" asks the second guy. "I'll show you again." He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again. This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives. When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
"Wow," says the second guy. "A magic window." He gets off his barstool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death. The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face. "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
Brave captain
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.
Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."
The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.
In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.
He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.
About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership.
Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"
World Post Day Jokes
On 9th October we celebrate World Post Day! Here's some postal humor for you:
What’s a postman’s favorite type of music?
Mail-ody!
Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry
Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!
So I got a phone call from the post office today...
...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
When We Were Kids
It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
Superman calls to Lois Lane...
Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something."Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"
Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.
Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"
