The best jokes (13081 to 13095)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13081 to 13095. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A Sunday school teacher was di...
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Short funny jokes-Check ride
Jon Dore: Smoking in High School
I started smoking in high school. I never thought Id get hooked. I always thought, by the time I graduate, thats it: no more smoking. But now Im 33. Theres no way Im ever going to graduate.Water into Wine
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Depressed in bar
A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".
The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"
"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"
The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"
Knock Knock Collection 118
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Llama!
Llama who?
Llama Yankee Doodle Dandy...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lloyd!
Lloyd who?
Lloyd a donkey to water but you can't make it drink!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lodz!
Lodz who?
Lodz of fun!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lois!
Lois who?
Lois the man on the totem pole!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Louis!
Louis?
Louis'n up!
Funny jokes-Swimming competition
All the girls reached the finish line more or less the same time except Marie. They all sportingly waited for Marie to arrive. It was almost forty minutes later that Marie reached the finish line. She was totally exhausted and on the verge of collapse. Other girls helped her asked what went wrong.
After regaining her breath Marie said: “My word, you all must have used your arms, otherwise how could you reach so fast? That's cheating.”
Old Local Blacksmith
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
Tips from the holy man
A group of boys were going to confession one sunday. Thefirst boy, John, says:
Father, I've done something terrible.
What have you done, John?
I fucked a girl.
Who was it?
I can't tell you, father, she would never permit it.
Well, John, was it Mary M?
No, father, I can't tell you.
Was it Heather S, John?
No father I can't tell you.
Well, John, was it Meghan C?
I can't tell you father.
Alright, John, your penence is 5 Our Fathers.
Thank you father.
Upon this he leaves the confessional, and the second boy
asks him:
What did you get, John?
5 Our Fathers and 3 Good Leads!
Robert Schmidt 09
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable TV.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.
Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
Lengthy sermons...
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
“My friend's bakery b...
“My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.”
Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to Taser
My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future. 
