The best jokes (14611 to 14625)

“The doctor told the

“The doctor told the patient to use a Q-tip. It went in one ear and out the other.”

“What did the sock pu

“What did the sock puppet say to the sock? Looks like you could use a hand.”

 Pass Out In Shock

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Do you know what was happening

Do you know what was happening 167 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands

Pat: I met someone who is so d

Pat: I met someone who is so dumb, he thinks a football coach has four wheels.
Pam: How many wheels does it have?

A man in a state of excessive

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware."
"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those crusty meat pies."

 Two Angry Neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

Cat Birthday

Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?

A: Mice cream and cake.

Doctor Doctor Collection 04

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible
Who said that?

The Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is that, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.""Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

A housewife, an accountant and

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

The Buddha's Vacuum Cleaner

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

Calling home, the traveling va...

Calling home, the traveling vacuum cleaner salesman complained to his wife that he'd gotten two orders that day.
"But darling," she declared, "that's wonderful!"
"Not so wonderful," he glumly corrected. "The first was 'Get out' and the second was 'Stay out.'"

A good juice bar alw...

“A good juice bar always puts their customers thirst.”

The patient asked th...

“The patient asked the doctor, "Will the jab hurt?" He replied, "Needless to say, no."”