The best jokes (14611 to 14625)

Hunting With A Wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."

The Plumber Has Arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

Lorena and Monica

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are

opening a hair salon?

They're calling it "Cut & Blow"

Baldness...

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."

Driver Illegally Parks

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Old Scottish man

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Answering Machine Message 87

Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter": Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

Sister: What are you givi...

Sister: What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?

Brother: A list of everything I want!

Top Ten Conservative Catholic Pickup Lines

10. May I offer you a light for that votive candle?
9. Hi there. My buddy and I were wondering if you would settle a dispute we're having. Do you think the word should be pronounced HOMEschooling, or homeSCHOOLing?
8. Sorry, but I couldn't help notice how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.
7. What's a nice girl like you doing at a First Saturday Rosary Cenacle like this?
6. You don't like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!
5. Let's get out of here. I know a much cozier little Catholic bookstore downtown.
4. I bet I can guess your confirmation name.
3. You've got stunning scapular-brown eyes.
2. Did you feel what I felt when we reached into the holy water font at the same time?
1. Confess here often?

One day an employee came in to...

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"

A guy goes to a girl's house f...

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Geez... oooh.... I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Jeb and Jethro live in the hil...

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."

Christmas Cop

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."