The best jokes (14971 to 14985)

Newspaper Typing Error

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987: ... Blame it on the computer.
An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.
A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".
According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.
And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!

The show Survivor had the orig...

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Borrowing someone's cere...

Borrowing someone's cereal is oatlendish behaviour.

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “D...

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the doctor.
“Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back.

Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit?

A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

I tried to cross a cow with a ...

I tried to cross a cow with a marsupial, but everyone said it was a possum-bull.

A plane was taking off from Ke...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Big John

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

If you had 11 roses in your ar...

If you had 11 roses in your arms and looked in the mirror;
You would see the twelve most gorgeous things in the world.

Michael Che: Camera Phones

My nephews got a camera phone; hes 10 years old. Which sucks for him because I cant imagine what it must be like for him to go through a 5th grade math class with a device in his pocket that can answer all of lifes questions and show him pictures of titties in high definition. You want this kid to pay attention in class? He doesnt have attention deficit, hes got titties in his pocket.

Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

Habit

One of my favorite activities is making love to nuns.

It's easy once you get into the habit!

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Funny jokes-Bowels

Hospital Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said.

She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

Lemonade

My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said that it was “not made from concentrate” she asked me what that meant.

I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.

While my wife was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, “That must be why they got caught.”

Knock Knock Collection 124

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Marilyn!

Marilyn who?

Marilyn is a state north of Virginia!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Marion!

Marion who?

Marion on a Sunday!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Marion!

Marion who?

Marion haste, repent at leisure!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Marmalade!

Marmalade who?

Marmalade me said the little chicken!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Martha!

Martha who?

Martha them up to the top of the hill and the marched them down again!