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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 October 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 01 October 2008

Burglar and an Elderly Woman


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (7)

A little boy walks into a pet ...

A little boy walks into a pet store, and asks the keeper, "Hey Mister... Can I get some boyd seed??

The shopkeeper says "Pardon me?", to which the little boy repeats "Hey Mister... Can I please get some boyd seed??

The shop keeper says "Well, it's caled BIRD SEED, not boyd seed, so you go home and practice, and come back when you can say it properly..."

The little boy leaves, and comes back in two days. As the shopkeeper approaches, the little boy asks, "Hey Mister... Can I PUH-LEASE have some boyd seed?!?

Again, the shopkeeper explains to him it is called BIRD SEED, and he is to go home and practice, and come back when he can say it properly...

Two more days pass, and the little boy again enters the pet store. The shopkeeper approaches him and the boy asks, "Hey Mister... do ya wanna buy a dead boyd?!?"
#joke #animal #bird #pet
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 7.90/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (10)

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

#joke #animal #bull #elephant #food #lunch #dinner #eating #drinks #tea
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

A woman goes into the butcher ...

A woman goes into the butcher and says: "Have you got a sheep's heid?"
"No," says the butcher. "It's just the way my hair is."

Diana Lawrence, Linlithgow

If you have a joke you'd like to share e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 47 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (5)

Differences in how men a...

Differences in how men and women think

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish..........................49

Adventurous.................Slept with everyone

Athletic........................Flat chested

Average looking.............Ugly

Beautiful........................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile............Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure..........On medication

Feminist..........................Large

Free spirit........................Junkie

Friendship first.................Formerly loose

Fun.................................Annoying

New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned..................No BJs

Open-minded..................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk

Professional...................Bitch

Voluptuous....................Very Large

Large frame.....................Hugely Large

Wants Soul mate.............Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = No

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

#joke #food #dinner #hungry
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (5)

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between a politician and an onion? No one cries if you chop up the politician.
#joke #short #food #onion
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Visit To The Car Dealer


One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"





#joke #fruit #cherry
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (5)

Humor about St. Patrick's Day

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (8)

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (10)

q: What do you get when you c...

q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (68)

Signs Of Christmas

Toy ...

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (37)

Things t...

Things to say to the boss to get you fired:

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?"

"Who me? I just wander from room to room."

"I pretend to work. You pretend to pay me."

"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?"

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

"Earth is full, go home!"

"How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?"

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 August 2008
  • Currently 6.90/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (10)

A student received a software ...

A student received a software package from his friend. But, he didn't have a computer.

The label on the package said that the software required "Windows 3.1 or better."

So, he bought a Macintosh.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 July 2008
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (7)

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (53)

Customer: I've been calling...

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through. Can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

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