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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 30 November 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 30 November 2008

Bob calls in to his job:
...

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (4)

Phone Call

((((R...

Phone Call

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause ...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 9555-7039??"

#joke #food #honey #sport #swimming
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

I've been in love with the sam...

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. I hope my wife doesn't find out or she'll kill me!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

Over 40

"Women over 40 are at their best, but men over 30 are too old to recognize it."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.40/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (5)

Blonde Coffins

Q: Why do blondes have triangular coffins?

A: Every time their head hits the pillow their legs spread.

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (8)

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (6)

A man goes to the doctor feeli...

A man goes to the doctor feeling unwell. The doctor examines him and says: "You're suffering from Alice."
"What's that?" asks the man.

"I don't know," says the doctor, "But Christopher Robin went down with it"
Mrs C Smith, Penicuik

Did you hear about the man who bought a dog with no legs?

He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.

Neil Sutton, Corstorphine

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, one of the muffins said: "Man it's hot in here."

The other muffin exclaimed: "Look, a talking muffin!"

Tony White, Loanhead

Why does a room full of married people looks so empty?

There's not a single person in it . . .

Mark Allan, Niddrie

What do you call a boom-a-rang, that doesn't come back?

A Stick.

Eric Stevenson, Leith

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburghnews .com





The full article contains 162 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

GRATEFUL MARRIAGE

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. “Can I ask you a question, Max?”

“Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

“Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”

“Yes, indeed!” Max replied. “For the twenty years I was a bachelor!”

#joke #thanksgiving #food #dinner #meal #eating
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

A man in a hot air balloon rea...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 August 2008
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

A woman took her dog to the pa...

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would be fifty dollars, she was outraged. "I only pay thirty for my own haircut," she said.
The groomer said, "That may be true, but then you don't bite!"
#joke #short #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Smiling can be difficult

Smiling can be difficult.
It involves rearranging your basic frowndations.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

37 Christmas jokes

Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?
He has a green thumb.

What type of key do you need to put on a Nativity play?
A don-key.

Who is the only one to not eat at Christmas dinner?
The turkey, it’s always stuffed!

Why was the advent calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!

What’s the best present to receive?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.

What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas song?
Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.

How can you tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents.

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nick-less.

Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Beyon-sleigh.

What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Santa-tizer.

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy?
He had low “elf” esteem.

What do Santa’s helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet.

What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account?
Lots of elf-ies.

Who is the best singer in the North Pole?
Elf-is Presley.

What did the elf on the shelf dress up as for Halloween?
Prankenstein.

Why didn’t Rudolph make honor roll in school this term?
Because he went down in history.

Which reindeer does Santa always have to discipline?
Rude-olph.

What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
This one will sleigh you!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.

How did the snowman get to work?
By icicle!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.

What do grapes sing at Christmas?
‘Tis the season to be jelly.

Why shouldn’t you prank the eggnog?
It can’t take a yolk.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.

Why don’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots!

What do you call an art museum made out of ice?
The Ig-Louvre.

What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather?
Its shadow.

#joke #halloween #christmas #prank #animal #penguin #reindeer #camel #turkey #fruit #grapes #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Pineapple Jokes

June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.

Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.

What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.

A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."

What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.

Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.

Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.

My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.

What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.

Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.

A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.

#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay

#joke #doctor #christmas #animal #snake #fruit #apple #banana #pineapple #strawberry #orange #food #ham #onion #pizza #eating #drinks #milk #juice #rum #lemonade
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

The overweight paint...

“The overweight painter could not lose weight despite years of exposure to thinners.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Jokes Archive

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