Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 31 December 2008

For months the archaeologists ...

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."

#joke #sport #golf

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead

Currently 6.89/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (9)

What insect is always complain...

What insect is always complaining?

A grumble bee
Derek Small, Blackhall

• If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com

The full article contains 34 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.

Page 1 of 2

#joke #short #animal #bee

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day

Currently 2.60/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #158 - Funny Photo Slideshow

redneck wedding

How can you tell when a redneck has a wedding?

When theres tobbaco spit on both sides of the truck.

#joke #short #wedding

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.

Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.Â He plays all the
standards.Â He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.Â The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.Â She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor #animal #dog

Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress

Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

Why do men like blonde jokes??...

Why do men like blonde jokes??LOCKQUOTE> Because they can understand them.

#joke #short #blonde

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 September 2008

Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

...

#joke #short

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2008

Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (10)

Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

#joke #animal #snake #bear #sport #hunting

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.

Currently 6.65/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (23)

Two men in one night

My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

Sarah Silverman (December 2 1970-)

Picture: Reuters

#joke #short #december #food #dinner

Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations

Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Pun-Dead

Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures

Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (25)

Pain makes you stronger

Pain makes you stronger.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games. Sajt vise ne radi

Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Sharing Everything

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

#joke #food #lunch #fries #meal

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily

Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A woman awakes during the nigh...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

#joke #drinks #coffee

Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day

Currently 7.72/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (18)

Hot Dog!

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

#joke #animal #dog

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.

Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

15 Funny Dog Jokes

Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got 2 left feet!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make ends meet.

Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his dog biscuits?
A: “Ahh, that really hit the spots.“

Q: What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: When a dog has a fever, what’s the best thing to feed him?
A: Mustard—it’s the best thing for hot dogs.

Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school?
A: They get their masters.

Q: Why couldn’t the dog get the apple?
A: He was barking up the wrong tree!

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!

Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering!

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark!

A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today. Police are looking for leads.

Beware of dog? A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.” The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!” she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That’s not my dog!”

Q: Are dogs good at science?
A: Well, Labs are!

Q: Why do dogs float?
A: Because they’re good buoys!

Q: Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
A: He knew how to paws for dramatic effect!

#joke #policeman #animal #dog #pet #fruit #apple

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor

Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Chuck Norris does the Sunday N...

Chuck Norris does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.

#joke #short #chuck-norris

Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact

Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (58)

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