Jokes of the day for Saturday, 07 May 2011

Chuck Norris is not his full n...

Chuck Norris is not his full name, there's a silent "fist".

White Ball Poem

In my hand I hold a ball….white and dimpled, rather small….

Oh , how bland it does appear….this harmless looking little sphere….

By its size I could not guess….the awesome strength it does possess….

But since I fell beneath it's spell….I've wandered through the fires of hell..

My life has not been quite the same….Since I chose to play this stupid game….

It rules my mind for hours on end…A fortune it has made me spend….

It has made me swear and yell and cry….I hate myself and want to die….

It promises a thing called par….If I can hit straight and far ….

To master such a tiny ball….should not be very hard at all …

But my desires the ball refuses….and does exactly like it chooses….

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies….and even disappears before my eyes….

Often it will take a whim….to hit a tree or take a swim….

With miles of grass on which to land….it finds a tiny patch of sand….

Then has me offering up my soul….if only it would find the hole….

It's made me whimper like a pup….and swear that I will give it up….

And take a drink to ease my sorrow….but the ball knows….. I'll be back tomorrow!!!!

Do watch repairmen work ron...

Do watch repairmen work over time?

The young boy protested vigoro...

The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.” “I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”
“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”

Wrong Answer

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....

A man drives to a gas station ...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

A Very Good Reason...

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is, he replied.... "Breakfast."

Giving Up Half

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As

the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,

he began muttering, "Oh oh !"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do

you smoke?"

"No", replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,

you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the

LOOKING or the THINKING?"

David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.

Ponderings Collection 28

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When the Circus Is in Town

The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession.
The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves.
Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Blaise CP

The new minister's wife had a ...

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."

Yo mama is so flat

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a book!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a piece of paper!

Great hooters

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

An Englishman, an Irishman and...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"

Laura House: Strict Mom

My moms a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, Look, dont drink and dont do drugs and dont sleep around. And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, Youre going to college.