Jokes of the day for Sunday, 20 November 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 20 November 2011 |
Degrees....
The graduate with a science degree asks,'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
Funny jokes-Moose from Canada
"That's a moose from Canada", came the reply.
"A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"
A man shows up for his doctor'...
A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils.He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
Whereupon the doctor replied, "Perhaps you're not eating right."
Chuck Norris played Russian Ro...
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.Candy factories rely on ron...
Candy factories rely on sweet shop labour.A man shows up for his doctor'...
A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied," Perhaps you're not eating right."Signs And Notices 13
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
School Notes
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
A couple pulled into the drive...
A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"
"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"
A guy is sitting at a bar ...
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Faith Elements
Q: Photons have mass?
A: I didn’t even know they were Catholic!
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
There was a beautiful young bl...
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
Hindu Happy Birthday
Q: What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.
A guy walks into a clinic to h...
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.
She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"
