Jokes of the day for Friday, 18 May 2012

Really funny jokes-Do not disturb

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF...

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Two Antartians were walking do...

Two Antartians were walking down the street. One stops and says, "Oh my god!!! A dead bird." The other looks up and says, "Were, were?"

Cyber Relationship Break Up Letter

CYBER BREAK UP LETTER

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic

removal of

unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online

affair. This

termination takes effect immediately, but only because I

could not make

it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this

action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part,

competent,

your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the

romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to

refer to me

has hurt my feelings.

_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance

of

punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you

were less

than honest:

· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a

man.

· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a

woman.

· __ You typed your own name at the end.

· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is

simply page 56

of a Jackie Collins novel.

· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you

are hiding

something from me.

· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS

test suggests

a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __

police record.

· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders

unless I wish

to face stalking charges.

· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all

the time

you're spending on the computer.

· __ I have established a more personal relationship with

the Lord, and

I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you

can do to

ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are

closer than

you think.

· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me

leaves me

feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are

only 14

violates the terms of my parole.

· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you

misbegotten son of a

bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia],

that there is

nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my

attorney,

__ Sincerely,

__ Gleefully,

__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"

__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

__ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

Thanks A Lot

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern……..

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.

If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 5,000 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will poop on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a…etc…

(Editor's Note: This last statement is sarcasm — not to be taken seriously. In other words, please don't send an e-mail to 5,000 people and claim JokeDiary.com told you to do it….Thanks!)

Todd Barry: Book Lights

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.

Getting to Heaven from the Post Office

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.
After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

Chuck Norris can drink an enti...

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Owen Benjamin: Public Restrooms for Guys

Its not an enjoyable place. We get a urinal; we dont get real estate. Its a little, creepy urinal, right? Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when youre in complete silence with a bunch of strangers? Now put your penis in your hand.

What's white and if it fell ou...

What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A fridge.

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- What is this, a joke?

Reggie Watts: Cultural Awareness

Cultures are really important to be aware of. Theres over four of them.

A famed English explorer was i...

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."