Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 November 2012

Really funny jokes-Apples on trees

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he
said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off
the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Bad news or terrible news...

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Funny rash

This fella goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited By yisman

Abortion Bill

A Congressional aide asks the politician: "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician's reply: "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

A cop pulls a young guy over: ...

A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!

Deodorant Stick

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist: "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" the pharmacist asks.

"Yes!" the blonde replies: "I'll go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says: "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

Chuck Norris can make snow ang...

Chuck Norris can make snow angels on a concrete slab.

10 Things Men Know About Women

10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.) They have breasts.

A man placed some flowers o...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Chuck Norris is the only man t...

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

On the first day God created t...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (*sigh*).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (...???...)

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Dennis Gaxiola: Trophy Wife

I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if youre married thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

A school teacher injured his b...

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.