Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 November 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 05 November 2012 |
A Little Extra In The Soup....
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!
He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"
Danger in D.C.
Q: What is the most dangerous thing in Washington D.C.?
A: An intern with a chipped tooth.
Medication
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?" There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
Really funny jokes-Things to do when computer crashes
1. You can dial 911 instantly.
2. Pull open the curtains to observe i there have been any changes in the last 2 years.
3. Do you mean there is actually something else to do?
4. You can threaten your server with an impeachment vote.
5. You can Work for a change.
6. Introduce yourself again to your immediate family.
7. Consider that kidney transplant you've been putting off for so long.
8. Check out if yuor eyes can focus on objects further than 4 feet.
9. Get your chair fixed at a store near you for butt groove.
10. Look for Tylenol!
11. You can do some shopping with your clothes on.
12. You can check your snail mail box every 10 minutes.
knock knock
who's there ...
knock knock who's there
oddley hee
oddley hee who
I didn't know you could yodel!
knock knock
who's there<...
knock knock who's there
oddley hee
oddley hee who
I didn't know you could yodel!
Donkey Raffle
Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, just return my money to me," Kenny said.
"Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it."
"OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny.
"Whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.
"I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny replied.
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed.
"Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny.
"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer.
"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied.
Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”
Chuck Norris can win a game of...
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.A wife woke in the middle of t...
A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
Feline Heaven
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him."There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
Occupational Hazard
Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."
So she finds a saw and off does his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"
I Get No Respect 05
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
John Ramsey: Old Security Passwords
So they ask me, Would you like to answer your secret security password question? I think, Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me. 
