Jokes of the day for Monday, 03 December 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 03 December 2012 |
Really funny jokes-Oysters
A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"
"Oysters," she replied.
"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady.
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"
"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"
Reminiscing the past
A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said: "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."
An act of kindness....
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Country Party
A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.
"Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "
"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.
"It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!"
"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?"
"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"
Two strands of DNA were walkin...
Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?LIE DETECTOR ROBOT
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.”Son, where were you today?” The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.” Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn't know what %&%* was!” Robot then slaps the dad!Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He's certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom….Chuck Norris once punched a ma...
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.Poorest Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A sister and brother are talki...
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
The guy says, before we go any...
The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well thats ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.
The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.
He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.
Carrot, Tomato, and ...
There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten." The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".
Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".
Dane Cook: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss
Im in a new club, by the way. And I dont know if youre first timers like I am, but Im in the I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. Im on the phone and I forget that Im using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as Im standing there, mid-conversation, Im like Are you serious? and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest. Chuck Norris invented the Caes...
Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb. 
