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Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 December 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 17 December 2012

Ice cream cravings

Two old men suffering from long-term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old folks' home when an ice cream van drove past.

"Gee," said the first old codger: "I'd love an ice cream right now."

"Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old man.

"Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back: "You'd forget my order straight away."

"No I wouldn't," replied the second."

"All right, then," said his friend: "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and chocolate chips, and a cherry on top."

Haagendazs icecream waffle

The second old man repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later, he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old man looked at the pies in disgust then yelled: "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

#joke
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

One line jokes-Follow your dreams

Follow your dreams, except the one where you're at school in your underwear.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #24 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Three men walked in to a bar. ...

Three men walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

Funny video of the day - Boxing baby and cat

Boxing baby and cat - A SLAP FIGHT - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.17/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (6)

Three men walked in to a bar. ...

Three men walked in to a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Proper car parking

Proper car parking - How is this even possible? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What causes it?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

#joke
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Horoscope

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (7)

Why Do Men Float?

Why do men float better than women?
Because they're scum.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.57/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (7)

LIE DETECTOR ROBOT

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.”Son, where were you today?” The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.” Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn't know what %&%* was!” Robot then slaps the dad!Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He's certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom….

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (14)

Chuck Norris has to use a stun...

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (51)

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 May 2010
  • Currently 4.46/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (48)

An Irishman is walking along t...

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 November 2009
  • Currently 5.87/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (61)

There was a competition to cro...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 December 2009
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (70)

Guns don't kill people. Chuck ...

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 December 2011
  • Currently 3.03/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (58)

You Are So Poor - Kicking a Can

You are so poor . . .

When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked

what you were doing. You said you were moving!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 December 2011
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (12)

Juston McKinney: Scratch Tickets for Christmas

You know what my uncle gets me every year for Christmas? Scratch tickets. Thanks for making the decision to gamble away my Christmas gift for me.
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 December 2011
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (11)

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