Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 March 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 01 March 2013 |
“Even on Easter Islan...
“Even on Easter Island, most folks would rather croon an oldie than Rapa Nui.”
Clean jokes-Actual answers given on Family Feud
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Something you open other than a door - Your bowels
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Three visitors to London climb...
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
Three visitors to London climb...
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
Put your money where your mouth is....
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Arkansas Governer Application
First name: ______________________Last name(if known):______________
Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________
Mother's name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)
Birthdate(yours):__________________
Father's name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)
Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )
Year of pickup truck:_____________
List all that you have in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Little Rock) Yes ( ) No ( )
How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )
Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor's dog( )
Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you
is your wife:
50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )
Understood previous questions:
Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What "previous" mean?( )
Color of wife's hair:
Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( )
Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________
Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of Arkansas:
________________________________
Signature ('X' if you can't write)
Heart attack
For those of us who watch what we eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to finally know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat alot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink alot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apprently what kills you.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Coming Home Late
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'...and she's always sound asleep!"
Diagnostic Machine
A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.
So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...
The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.
So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.
He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.
It said:
Your dog has worms.
Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.
And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.
When Chuck Norris gives you th...
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.Heros?
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentallyfell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.
Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and
dragged the wet president out of
the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of
the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,
I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to
Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the
grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the
third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not
handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved
from drowning."
When the porn star advertised ...
When the porn star advertised a free orgy, she was unprepared for the onslot.You see....
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
