Jokes of the day for Sunday, 28 April 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 28 April 2013 |
Really funny jokes-Shoe blues
Later that night, I was driving out with Jane to eat when the I noticed a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract my wife, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of my window.
We arrived at the restaurant a short time later, and were about to get out of the car when Jane asked, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'
Irish Tradition
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says,
Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!”
Off duty....
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Answering Machine Message 258
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
Sons Devoted to Mom
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
Filming on location for Walker...
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.An Apocalyptic One-Liner
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.
Demetri Martin: How to Be a Bouncer
How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a**hole; 2) stand near a door.Big Mouth!
A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
"That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham."
"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Really funny jokes-Divorce is easy
Jack : It's even easier in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.
20 of the most groan-worthy Dad jokes
What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Bare foot.
What button is impossible to unbutton?
The belly button.
What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans.
What is invisible and smells of worms?
A bird's fart.
What do you call a Minecraft celebration?
A block party.
Who is the best Kung Fu vegetable?
Brocco-Lee.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt?
A hot cross bunny.
What did the butt say to the other butt?
PTTTTT.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
He got stuck in a crack.
What's round and sounds like a trumpet?
A crumpet.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino‐SNORE.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Dug.
What kind of hair do they sell at IHOP?
Eggstensions.
What do you call an Asian man who always has correct change?
Exact Lee.
What do you call an apple that farts?
A fruity Tooty.
What is the best day to cook?
FRY-DAY.
What did the horse say when it fell?
GIDDYUP!
What do you receive when you ask a lemon to help?
Lemon aid
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go.