Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 May 2013

Pythagorean theorem

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.

"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

Reptile Jokes 02

Where do frogs keep their money?

In a river bank!

What kind of bull doesn't have horns?

A bullfrog!

What jumps up and down in front of a car?

Froglights!

Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?

They always want to play leap frog with him!

Why was the frog down in the mouth?
He was un hoppy!

Why is a frog luckier than a cat?

Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!

What's a toad's favorite ballet?
Swamp Lake!

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?

A frog with hiccups!

Why did the lizard go on a diet?

It weighed too much for its scales!

What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony?

The Brit Awarts!

“The ophthalmologist ...

“The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.”

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

Knock-knock...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

The original draft of The Lord...

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron into oblivion halfway through the first chapter.

Business one-liners 24

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Entropy has us outnumbered.

Error is often more earnest than truth.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.

Even paranoids have enemies.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Lessons from Comp 4

I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here goes:

Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */

There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and seduction.

There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */

Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student has dealt with a few standards. */

Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative: "What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the warehouse and get your software."

*/

Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */

One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan.

C is a logical programming language. /* */

Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An absolutely terrific "false cognate". */

Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is called "spleening". /* Derivation: most likely "splines" + "tweening". */

One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it later by adding, "You have to know the number."

*/

Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.

On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax", which *really* stands for "facsimile". However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for: Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing Frequency Automatic X-rays

/* and my favorite... */

Fast A** Xeroxing

The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interesting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim:

"The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking is not available to be used."

"... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by Hypercad."

/* I assume the last term is the newest rage -- a free-form database for designers. */

"...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling."

/* Linda may want to lend her computer out... */

"The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company located in Clearwater, Florida."

/* A *long* valley, as my roommate put it. */

"At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on computerized weight machines..."

/* Ouch! */

blonde getting a haircut

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"

God offered Chuck Norris the g...

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

During a political debate the ...

During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."

The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us."

The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that."

The MC of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best."

The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight."

Sermon made him pay income tax

After hearing a sermon about lies and deceit, a man wrote the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have reviewed my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $900.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Frugal...

Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant.

He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read: "Frugal: to save."

Sentence: "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled 'Frugal me, Frugal me!'"

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"