Jokes of the day for Sunday, 23 June 2013

Funny jokes-Act your age

FINE
This is the word w...

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Do you know what day it is?

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Fight Against CO2

Isn't it time we required universal Federal licensing for use of Alka Seltzer, Fizzies, and Pop Rocks? Background verification, two week cooling off period, fingerprinting, mandatory fizz locks. No gas release in excess of one liter. No automatic unloading - no motorized or wind-up Pez dispensors!
CO2 kills! Suffocation! GREENHOUSE EFFECT! Save our children!
Minorities are put at risk! I want a National War on CO2! We already know how Belgium was decimated by Coke-a-Cola. Can we afford to risk American lives so the small cliques of fantatics and zealots can exercise their bubbling pornographic appetites? How many children must die before we act!
Burning the flag releases CO2, Hitler's crematoria released CO2, firebombing Dresden released CO2, nuking Hiroshima released CO2 - how much clearer must it be made?
And what about NO2? SO2? ClO2? Are we about to discriminate on the basis of Period Table group number? Renumbering the groups ws not enough. Renumbering the groups will NEVER be enough! I say, "NEVER!" Every elemental group must realize its full electrochemical potential and oxidation state, and all its lesser oxidation states as well - with equal representation!
Today it is baking soda and vinegar. Tomorrow it will be sodium hydroxide and concentrated sulfuric acid. By the end of the week butyllithium/TMEDA will be poured into Magic Acid by the pound! By the ton! WHERE WILL IT STOP!
Exotherms, global warming, penguins sweated to death... all because some MONSTER wanted a little fizz. Isn't that the way it always starts, with a "little" CO2 in a Bierstube in Munich? Computer models and their renormalized data are unequivocal: 44.0104!
Mommy, daddy, does your child breathe CO2?
Put an end to the CO2 nightmare before it's too late!

Unusual Memorial

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local

funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small

country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the

deceased had

no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to

the cemetery,

but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a

half-hour late. The

hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing

under a nearby

tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave

and found that

the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and

read the

service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman

say, "Maybe we'd

better tell him that's a septic tank."

“The soprano was very...

“The soprano was very optimistic and always left her friends on a high note.”

Tour Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Sheep and Kangaroo

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A sweater with big pockets.

Paper-Eating Dog

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

Kryptonite has been found to c...

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a...

If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a cookie, it would probably ask for some milk. Then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick that ungrateful little rodent so hard, it would lose it's appetite for cookies. Permanently.

Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? Ill let you know right now, theres only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

Nuts

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck-fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Toothbrush

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Mississippi.

If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

Myq Kaplan: Snakes on a Plane Spoiler

If you havent seen Snakes on a Plane, I recommend it. I would just recommend, dont spoil it for yourself like I did. Before I went, I read the title.