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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Lawyers in Lust

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.

"Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer.

"I agree," says the other.

"But out of what?"

#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

“The ice at the rink ...

“The ice at the rink has many ruts. I think the maintenance crew is slipping up.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.56/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #12 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Bill & Moe

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

#joke
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - Water Slide Compilation | Wipeouts On Same Turn

Water Slide Compilation | Wipeouts On Same Turn - Jujst people having fun on water slide - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (12)

Future plans

Nine-year-old Derick's parents were chatting with him regarding his future plans. Derick said he would like to go to Harvard just like his parents and other family members had done. Happy that their child was being sensible about his future, they pressed on.

"And what would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked Derick.

Pondering over it for some time, and glancing around the living room, he replied, "The TV, if you don't mind me taking it."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - Turkeys occupied the house

Turkeys occupied the house - Next step is world domination | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (11)

A trip to the movies...

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. As he handed the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I went to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself this evening. We have sound now."

#joke
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

#joke #blonde #policeman
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (11)

Why Ask Why 05


Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 July 2013
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (10)

Chuck Norris knows where Carme...

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 May 2011
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (18)

A widower who never paid any a...

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 October 2010
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (48)

A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2009
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (51)

Nuns on the Highway

A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 March 2010
  • Currently 6.56/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (39)

One morning the phone rang at ...

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2009
  • Currently 4.61/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (33)

Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 March 2012
  • Currently 6.74/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (31)

Demetri Martin: Stutter

One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 March 2010
  • Currently 5.65/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (31)

Kristen Schaal: Family Friendly

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

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