Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 March 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 March 2014 |
Soap and water...
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
Humor About The Stupid Irish
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
Somewhere in America...
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up,Dad? D - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you
do it? S - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of
"scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, say that I
scratched the car. D - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and
you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it
since. How can you explain the scratch? S - Well, as I've
said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.
While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I
did not scratch it. D - But your sister, Monica, has told me
she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of
the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to
examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you,
yes or no, did you scratch the car? S - Oh, you mean you
think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you
see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I
stand by my earlier statement, that "I" did not scratch the
car. D - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car
into the mailbox? S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive
the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the
car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox,
though that was clearly not my intent. D - So you are then
saying that you did hit the mailbox? S - No sir, that's not
my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement
that I did not scratch the car. D - But the car did hit the
mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this
contact? S - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that
way. D - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch
the car? S - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was
"Did "I" scratch the car?". >From a strict legal definition,
as I understood the meaning of that sentence, "I" did not
scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present
when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you
asked "Did "I" scratch the car" was legally correct, although
I did not volunteer information. D - Where in the heck did
you learn to be such a smart alec? S - From The President of
the United States. D - I see.
A cannibal entered the meat ma...
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
In the X-Men movies, none of t...
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.Man Talks to God
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Yo mama is so short
Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short she models for trophys.
Andy Kindler: Celebrating Suffering
Jewish people, we dont believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. Were suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much weve suffered. Passover -- were celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. Were celebrating, Hey, thank God we didnt get slaughtered. Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Repaying a Debt
The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her.
She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.
"No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."
She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.
"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"
"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives."
"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"
Blood-related jokes, donate blood with a smile
14 June is World Blood Donor Day. Donate blood! Raise awareness using blood-related jokes.
Why don't vampires ever get sick?
Because they always keep their blood type B-positive!
What did the hematologist do to break the ice at the party?
She started a "type O" personality conversation!
Why did the red blood cell break up with the white blood cell?
Because she found out he was too infectious!
Why do vampires believe in life after death?
Because they know it's all in vein!
Why did the vampire go to art school?
Because he wanted to draw blood!
What’s a blood cell’s favorite kind of music?
Anything but heavy metal… it’s too much iron!
Why did the blood cell get a ticket?
It didn’t stop at the red light!
What's a vampire's least favorite city?
Venice... too much garlic and holy water!
How do you know if a vampire has a cold?
He starts coffin!
Why did the white blood cell go to the party?
Because it was immune to peer pressure!
How was your game, dear?
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Greg Giraldo: Dodgeball Skills
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination aint your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, I better hit the books because this is not working out. 
