Jokes of the day for Sunday, 30 March 2014

No need

"Do you believe in life after ...

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

All expenses paid...

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?"

Dealing With Criminals

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

Meeting the Pope

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

Flu?

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, ''Flu?''
The doctor replied, ''No, I came on my bicycle actually!''

“I'd tell you a joke ...

“I'd tell you a joke about a cow but I always butcher it.”

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth...

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Do You Reject the Devil?

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

Bill Gates died in a car accid...

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.

"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God."

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was just the screen saver."

What kind of car was he driving?

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number. “What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick!”

Wedding Preparation

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Chemist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?”
Chemist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”

Son with just a head

A man and his wife had a son, but the baby didn't have a body, just a head. So the man and his wife raised the head.

On the boy's 21st birthday, the man took his son out for drinks. When the boy took his first sip, he grew a torso and the whole bar lit up. The bartender seemed absolutely disgusted and the boy's father was crying.

So he drunk some more and the more he drunk, the body parts that came out. The bar was cheering, the father was crying and the bartender was still disgusted. The boy got all of his body parts and picked up his last drink with his hands.

He was so drunk that he wobbled outside into the street, got hit with a 18 wheeler and died.

Everyone was in so much shock except the bartender, who then replied: "He should have quit while he was ahead."

Enter a Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Balcony Life

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"
he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.