Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 April 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 05 April 2014 |
Job satisfaction
A. Do only so much work that you feel you are paid more than you deserve!
An Antartian is terribly overw...
An Antartian is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the Antartian returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Antartian nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned.
"No, from skipping."
The good, the bad and the ugly...
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
You might be a redneck if 36
You might be a redneck if...You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
Hard shot
Bob stood over his tee on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his back swing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob.
“The linen shop gave ...
“The linen shop gave their employees free bedding. Even their accountant had his own handmade spread sheet.”
Ponderings Collection 24
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a n*dist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
When taking the SAT, write "Ch...
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.A man calls home to his wife a...
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
First Time in Church
Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."
A guy falls asleep on the beac...
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.
He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, asedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
A Collection Of Insults
When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few beads short in her rosary.
Forty-three percent of all Ame...
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.The other 57 percent said, "No hablo ingles."
22 Latest Christmas cracker jokes
What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost
Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer!
Q: What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells
Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer.
Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper!
Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack!
Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer!
Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it!
Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y!
Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards!
Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles!
Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side!
Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door!
Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved!
Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless
