Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 June 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 June 2014 |
The blonde walks into a drugst...
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any.""But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
“The sledder who got ...
“The sledder who got injured realized that his wounds were more than he tobogganed for.”
60 above - Floridians wear coa...
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the
sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
Cured...
A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"
The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
Grandma Buys a Bumper Sticker
Grandma writes:The other day I went to the local religious book store where
I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost
in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of
people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to
honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty
soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as
loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him
shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started
honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled
to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving
in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told
me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of
the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good
thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned
out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the
Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Grandma
What Will The Neighbors Think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Gallery Sale
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a...
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a cookie, it would probably ask for some milk. Then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick that ungrateful little rodent so hard, it would lose it's appetite for cookies. Permanently.Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? Ill let you know right now, theres only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one. 
Toothbrush
Where was the toothbrush invented?Mississippi.
If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
One day in philosophy class th...
One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
