Jokes of the day for Sunday, 24 August 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 24 August 2014 |
My friend asked me...
My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."
He said, "So?"
And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
Supporting a family...
Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."
"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."
Only In America
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Rogaine and Viagra
Q: What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
A: Hair that stands straight up on your head.
Tetanus Shot
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
All roads lead to Chuck Norris...
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.Chemistry Song 04
Silent Labs
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.
Jesus is watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, eh? Who are you?'
'Moses,' replied the parrot.
`Moses?' The burglar laughed. 'What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?'
The parrot replied, 'Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Hospital Trolley
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
A woman said to her friend...
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
A bear walks into a bar. He sa...
A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them." Rory Scovel: Strip Club
Some friends wanted to go to a strip club. I said, No thanks, its not for me; I dont really enjoy doing it. They said, Well at this strip club you can touch the girls while they dance on you. And I said, Then lets go do that.