Jokes of the day for Friday, 24 October 2014

“I shouldn't have plu...

“I shouldn't have plugged my iPhone into the PC at the kitchen. It's now in the sync.”

Maybe you think it's ...

Maybe you think it's hoagie, but to prepare myself for a large sandwich, I always sing ‘A Mayonnaising Graze.'

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth ...

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

The End Is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Bad Haircut

When your friend says he/she got a bad haircut and the phone

rings, tell them it's "Fantastic Sam's . . . they want to

settle out of court."

A chicken walks into a library...

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

A man returned to his parked B...

A man returned to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the front end of the car. There was no sign of the offending vehicle, but he was relieved to see that there was a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

The note read: "Sorry I just backed into your car. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars, But I'm not."

Speeding Ticket

Cop pulls over a car with a couple in it.

"What's the problem officer?"

"Sir, you were going 68 in a 50-zone."

"What, that's ridiculous! I did no such thing!"

"Sir, I caught you with my radar gun, and it's always accurate, but I'll give you some leeway and reduce it to 62.

"Well, not this time, asshole. I know I was doing 54! I'll take it to court, you son of a bitch!" The cop hands the man the ticket, and he rips it up.

"Sir, I'm going to have to insist you calm down, or I'll put you under arrest."

Suddenly, the wife interjects, "Mister, I wouldn't push it. There's no use arguing with him when he's drunk."

Rollin Down

The better part of you must have rolled down your daddy's leg.

A Golf Club Visits A Local Bar

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

There was this little guy sitt...

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

When Chuck Norris plays Monopo...

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

A man with no arms and no legs...

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry
smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fucked?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

Damn he can drive!

This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.

A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing. And then asks him what the problem is.

The man again spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cops again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.

The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this guy stops and picked me up. He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.

"As we entered town the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into a alley where again he picks up speed.

"Right in front of us are two 18 wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only 4 feet between them.

"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'

"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, 'If you get us out of this I will suck your dick!'"

Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

Submitted by Greg

Edited by The whole team

Ladies Restroom

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?” She replies, “I don't know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.” She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I'm in!!!” She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”